If you have experience in the space of recovery, I’m sure you see these words and think “oh God, here we go again.” I’d argue that some of the first profound emotions we feel when seeking recovery are the guilt and shame that are naturally associated with the disease.

From a very simplistic perspective, an addict makes a choice to smoke, shoot up, or drink. Though it is a disease, and there are certain chemicals in our brain that are at play; ultimately, we have a decision. Some addicts “choose” drugs over family time, or drinks over going to work. I think if we speak from an objective point of view, we can agree these look like bad decisions. So why do we make them? We must be inherently flawed. We must be bad people. We must not care about others.

This week, like many of the previous ones I sat with the idea of guilt and shame. I did some research and found that though the two words are quite similar, they have entirely different meanings. Brenee Brown (my vulnerability Queen) described guilt as a focus on behavior, and shame as a focus on the self. For example if I were to leave my desk right now and go binge drink a 12-pack, guilt would retroactively say “that was a really bad decision that I shouldn’t have made.” Shame would say “I’m such a piece of shit. I am a bad person for doing that.”

Another example Brenee Brown used is a child telling a lie.

Guilt says “I should not have told that lie. That wasn’t a good choice.”

Shame says “I’m a liar.”

I give you the second example to show that these emotions are not exclusive to the addict. They are universal and both have very negative connotations. However, in my sitting with these words and feelings, I have discovered their potentially positive power.

Another interesting fact I learned is that shame is highly correlated to addiction, anxiety, depression, violence, and suicide. On the other hand guilt is inversely correlated. What I took from that is that guilt is a really handy tool to use to correct behaviors that do not suit us. The idea is that we are aware of wrong doings and therefore can make better choices in the future, or try our damnedest to.

When I began to play with the idea of writing this blog to share, I reached out to two of the people closest to me and asked them to write from their own point of view about my addiction and recovery. I wanted to see their perspective, and maybe see if they saw something I hadn’t to gain new insight. They both identified similar events in the past in which my drinking effected their experience. That happens when you are an addict; it’s inevitable. At first, I felt the guilt come on strong. I sat blushing as I read through the events of the family get together where I was stumbling around and slurring my words. It was embarrassing, and though I remembered the event well, I couldn’t imagine why I made the choice to do that. I had made everyone else uncomfortable. That was a bad decision.

This could have easily spiraled and grown into a whirl pool of shame. The thought process of “I’m a terrible person for doing that,” could be an easy conclusion for anyone in that situation. But, what good would that do me? Shame is that painful feeling of being flawed, and convincing ourselves that we are unworthy of “connection, love, and belonging” (Brenee Brown, again). This is cultivated by our self-talk, which is very much (but not solely) influenced by society or environmental factors. However, I challenge you to shift your perspective to one of guilt, instead of shame when those feelings arise. Challenge yourself to change the “I’m such a piece of shit,” into a “I am a good person who made a bad choice.” Holly Whitaker spoke about cravings in her book ‘Quit Like a Woman,’ and I think it applies here too. She challenged herself to “[stay] at the trigger point, at its physical sensation” when a craving arose. I challenge myself to sit in the physical sensation of shame, and instead of “riding the elevator down to the bottom of unworthiness,” to change my perspective into one focused on actions I can change.

As I said earlier, shame is universal. We all experience shame. So how do we get past those moments where shame is so dense on our experience like a thick, humid Texas fog? First, it starts with self-talk. Whether it’s writing down positive affirmations on our bathroom mirror and saying them out loud each morning, or physically stopping yourself when you identify the mental spiral of shame and changing your thought process, this is imperative to combat that universally painful experience. Another quote from Brown; “empathy is the antidote to shame.” Give yourself some empathy, like you were taught to give others. You deserve it too.

Another thing to keep in your emotional toolbelt is the phrase “vulnerability is not weakness.” Though we are made to believe this in society, it’s an acutely dangerous way of thinking. Being vulnerable, experiencing guilt, and the occasional bout of shame we must redirect opens us up to change, creativity, certainty, emotional stability, and a stronger sense of belonging. We do belong and are worthy of love, regardless of decisions we have made in the past. It takes vulnerability to admit that to yourself so passionately that others see it in you too and take it with them.

Lastly, it’s important to remember that some things help shame to grow and fester in our conscience like mold. Those are secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you read those words and a specific person pops into your mind, run from that person and don’t look back. If its you that comes to mind; sit with yourself. Challenge those hard thoughts. Taking time to sit with the uncomfortable is being vulnerable, and that is the key to shifting from a shame perspective into one of guilt where we can grow and bloom.

I have said this in every post thus far, and that’s only because I truly believe this, and wish someone had said it to me more (including myself). You deserve this. You deserve to feel happy. I believe you cannot truly be happy unless you sit with the emotions that hold negative connotations every once in a while, because that is where we expand ourselves and our emotional awareness. If while reading this, you had thoughts of guilt or shame arise then read the following out loud. Then take a breath, and read it again. Read it until you believe it. because it’s true.

1. I deserve happiness.
2. My decisions don’t define my totality.
3. I am a good person that deserves to hold space in this universe.
4. I belong.
5. My feelings are valid and are a tool to help me achieve anything I want in life.