August 3rd was my 30th birthday. June 27th I celebrated 2 months of sobriety. Over the past two weeks I have attended a concert, been a guest at a wedding, sat at a bar top, attended an event at a brewery, and somehow managed to stay sober through it all. I am very proud of myself for this accomplishment, but it wasn’t easy. And at times, it wasn’t even enjoyable.

My therapist has always encouraged me to do things that I enjoy as a form of self care. He reminds me often that sobriety isn’t a punishment, and it is damn near impossible to stay sober if you view it that way. If all you do in order to achieve sobriety is isolate yourself to avoid drinking, then what’s the point? No one would be able to achieve years of sobriety by doing that.

I used alcohol as a blanket to soothe the anxiety and depression. That is very evident to me now. I have a constant inner dialogue of negative self-talk. I don’t know why. I don’t know where it came from. I meditate, say positive affirmations, and participate in self-care on a daily basis. It’s still there. It’s loud. It’s rude. It’s been over 10 years since I attended any sort of social event without having at least 1 drink. In a way, it’s like these events are the first I’m experiencing. I don’t enjoy going to social events anymore like I used to, but I really was only excited to go because I knew alcohol would be there. I would drink it, and then I would be happy, extroverted Hannah for a little while.

It’s disappointing to me, because I desire to be a social person. While I enjoy my HBO crime documentaries and my bed, I don’t want to be there every single night of my life. The feeling of isolation is stifling. So I made the effort to attend social events. And what happened?

Sitting at a bar top resulted in the most extreme cravings I have ever experienced. Which resulted in me ordering a non-alcoholic beer, which seemed like a cop out, or like I had lost some of my sobriety. Going to a brewery for an event ended in me crying in my car and having to leave the event early. The wedding ended in a panic attack.

So, here’s my choices:

1. Go be uncomfortably anxious and sober in a crowd of people that don’t know about my sobriety, care about it, or understand what a struggle simple tasks are for me.
2. Or sit at home and feel isolated and depressed, blaming sobriety and addiction for every problem in my life

They both result in me feeling like an oddball. Like I don’t fit in. Which is what led me to alcohol in the first place when I was a teen. I understand that no one said this would be easy. I have to remember what active use looked like for me on a daily basis as a reminder not to pick the bottle back up. A lot of times it seems like the only thing that keeps me from drinking is the thought of having to text my Mother, my sister, my therapist: “I relapsed.” The shame and guilt associated with this scenario are enough to keep me sober, but that really sucks. Shouldn’t it be a desire to live sober so I can love myself fully, instead of shame that motivates me?

So, that’s where I’m at in sobriety. If you are familiar with addiction and recovery, you may have heard of this “pink cloud” scenario. Where the first few months or weeks in recovery feel like you are on cloud nine. Then as time goes on, reality sets in and it feels like a life hangover. Maybe that’s what I’m going through. Maybe I’m still in the adjustment period of re-understanding what depression and anxiety actually feel like. It’s uncomfortable for sure.

My challenge to myself is to find something that puts me at ease in all of these situations. For example, finding someone to talk to, playing a game on my phone, listening to music if I’m able, drinking a club soda, writing a note to myself, texting my sister, stepping outside…anything that can bring my brain back to reality and make me feel the slightest bit at ease. I know that this isn’t a solution, but I think it will help me develop healthy habits. If I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life in my bed learning the ins and outs of Jon Benet Ramsey case, then I have to put in extra work. Because alcohol is everywhere. And what I’m coming to learn is, it’s damn near worshipped in our society. I have to hold my head high (as high as I can) and use the tools I have in any given situation.

So, 30 has been hard. 2 months has been harder. I haven’t felt as inspired to write. And I feel like this post doesn’t have much of a conclusion to it.

I guess the conclusion is that life is tough. It’s full of choices that seem like choosing between a rock and a hard place. We do the best with what we can, where we can, and where we are. Remember that even if your brain is telling you otherwise, you deserve happiness and peace. Sometimes the environment we are in seems counterintuitive to the production of happiness and peace, but it’s an environment. It will change. So do what YOU need to do to make your own way. Even if it looks a little different from those around you.