I am now over 4 months sober, and I’ve noticed a pattern.
Initially, I was quite worried to tell people that I had gotten sober. I figured it would be followed with a lot of questions. Like “why?” Or maybe some judgements cast about my lifestyle. But I can say that that does not happen.
what does happen is everyone tells you how proud they are of you. How you look better or happier. I receive all of the comments with pride.
Another thing I’ve realized is the compliments and praise are easily handed out as long as I don’t affect anyone else’s lifestyle.
They say “I’m so proud of you,” but also wonder how that affects the dynamics of a social group. One that I used to be a part of, and consisted of alcohol (lots of it). I have great friends who have made sure to buy me alcohol-free drinks and have them well stocked when I am invited over. And I appreciate that more than words can say. But, since I have depression, I also have that nagging voice in the back of my head that refuses to let me see the positive in anything.
so I thought…what would happen if I asked my friends not to drink around me?

the answer: I would no longer be invited to the party.

To clarify, I am not nor will I ever ask or expect anyone to change their lifestyle because of my own choices. But my thoughts are my thoughts, and that’s why I made this blog.

I have had to speed run a lot of firsts of my sobriety because I didn’t want to make other people uncomfortable or have them make sacrifices for me. I sat at a bar top even though I didn’t want to, I went to a wedding, I went to a brewery, I’ve attended neighborhood get togethers on nights where I was barely holding myself together. And what I’ve found is that it hurts me. Deeply. I feel isolated in a room full of people. I have cravings that are so incredibly strong they cause panic attacks. And, I’m reminded of my disease- like a good ole slap in the face. (“You’re broken, never forget that. You can’t have fun, cause you’re broken” my mind says)

So I have to leave. I end up alone and in tears, sometimes hyperventilating because I can’t ask people to change for me, and I can’t expect people to understand or empathize with what I’m going through. I’m the broken one, not them. The sobering thought I have is what would happen if I did.
the people that TRULY care about me- parents, my brother, and my sisters- would remain in my life and not give it a second thought. Every single other person would create distance. I wouldn’t be invited anymore. Because alcohol is more important to them.

I used to be like that. As an addict, if you’d have asked me to not drink around a particular person I would’ve avoided that person like the plague. Of course, that was my own problem because I was the addict.
but now, it’s somehow still my problem. I’m the addict. I made the choices. Why should anyone else have to change for my poor choices?
it all makes sense in my head, and at the same time none of it does. I want so badly to be at a point in this journey where it doesn’t feel this way, and though most have told me from experience that it will always be this way, I am trying to hold onto a semblance of hope.

In Recovery, they told me that I would lose a lot of friends. Point, blank, period. Because most addicts have friendships solely dependent upon use or drinking, and as a sober person you can have sobriety or those friendships but you can’t have both. But what about if you truly love someone? You make the decision to become sober, and then have one of the most sobering thoughts…why WON’T they change for me? Not that I’m asking or will, but if I did…would they?
and if they wouldn’t, then who is left to love me?