Hello and Good Morning, from a recently 1-year sober gal.

On March 27th, I celebrated one year of sobriety. Which is something I once thought was a pipe dream.

I’ve got to be honest, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I didn’t spend every day this year with intense cravings. I didn’t have to crawl my way through hell and back. I just kind of…did it. I took it day by day, moment by moment, and I did it. Don’t get me wrong, some things were hard. I had moments where I wanted to drink, but my mindset around drinking has completely shifted, so it wasn’t so much an urge as a memory of how things used to be. Or a longing to not feel anxious in a crowd of people who were also drinking.

I don’t crave alcohol anymore. At least, not like I used to. At times, I crave the feeling of being uninhibited, which is a silly way to say “I miss getting drunk.” That sounds like such a gross statement to me, because what I’m saying partially is “I miss the time when I didn’t care enough about myself to do this, because it was easier.” And it was, somewhat. It was easier in the sense that reaching for a bottle or can was a quick fix, allowing me to avoid feeling uncomfortable. Even though in reality, the simple act of reaching for a can was making all of this 10,000 times worse. So, I’m really missing the simple, in-the-moment “fix,” not the alcohol.

When it comes to relationships, mine have all changed. But in the best way. The people who care about me deeply have shown their love and support by sharing the kindest words. They have changed their lifestyles without me asking to make me feel safe and comfortable, which is something I will never take for granted. They have supported me in times of need and have lifted me up in times of celebration. My community of friends and family is the absolute best, and if you don’t feel like you have that, you need to find it. Because it is honestly the best feeling in the world to always have someone. Even if you aren’t sober or trying to get sober, having a village of people you love and who love you in return for no reason is something that you truly need to navigate life. I believe that.

One thing I’m learning to cope with is the intrusive thought that maybe some time in the future, I’ll be able to drink “successfully.” Stupid, I know, but let’s break that down.

I often think, maybe there will be a time when I can go to a restaurant and have one drink with dinner. Or go to some social event and drink one or two beers socially instead of 12-15 within a two and a half hour span. Society as a whole has convinced itself that there is a “healthy” way to consume alcohol- i.e., not drinking in excess or using it as a coping skill. But let’s be clear: alcohol is a drug. There is NO healthy way to consume alcohol. My logical brain knows this, but society does not. So, what am I really saying with this statement? I hope there’s a day when I can be as delusional as others, maybe? I hope there’s a day when I don’t have to think about this? That simply won’t happen. I will always have to think about this. The need to fit in kind of flew out the window the second I was dropped off at rehab and those doors closed behind me. And I want to be perfectly clear, there is no “successful” way to drink alcohol. I’m not telling you what to do with your life, but let’s call a spade a spade.

I’m not sure what these thoughts mean, and I’m talking through it with my therapist. I know that they aren’t true, though, and I’m curious to know what other addicts would say about their struggles with the same thoughts.

I’ve found that my mind is so much clearer. I noticed it immediately after coming home from rehab, but it’s gotten progressively more true over this year. I’m trying things that substance use Hannah would never have tried due to the fear of being judged or failing. Some things I used to not do simply because it would take time, and I’d rather spend my time drinking than learning a new skill. (Even though I could have done both —someone tell old Hannah that).

So yes, I have one year of sobriety under my belt now. Was it hard? Yep. Did I do it easily? No. But it wasn’t what I thought it would be. It was different. I’m proud of myself for the work that I’ve done, but I know that there is a lot more ahead. I feel a little more prepared for it.

Do something for yourself today. Reach out to the people who love you. Learn a new skill, or try something new. Do it for yourself, because you deserve it.